In the past, confidence, assertiveness, and being decisive were not typically female qualities. These traits are becoming more the norm with women, which is a good thing as it helps women to realize their potential. On the other hand, there can be too much of a good thing. Feeling overly confident about your abilities can also result in increasing stress, making mistakes and hurting relationships.
What is Behind the Shift in Confidence?
Changes in the way children were raised in the 1960s marked the first time in history it became popular to teach girls they could do anything they wanted and be good at it. Girls had previously been socialized to rely on others. Now in progressive countries, young girls are encouraged to question rules and challenge the status quo. Not only can they rise above the dependence of their mothers, they can make more money than their fathers. In fact, they can make about anything happen when they put their minds to it.
The women in the research for my book, Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction all said that they had someone in their lives-a parent, teacher, or sports coach-who told them they were special and that they could do anything. One participant said, “I had an entire support system that acted as life cheerleaders encouraging me and my dreams. I still hear their voices when I face an obstacle telling me I am capable of achieving anything.”
In her book Supergirls Speak Out: Inside the Secret Crisis of Overachieving Girls, Liz Funk describes how this push for confidence has gotten out of hand. She says many girls now take on the challenge to be extraordinary with a vengeance, constantly pushing themselves to the breaking point.
As they become adults, these girls take their crusade into the workplace, where they look to rise above the crowd quickly and consistently. Another participant told me, “Being a garden-variety success is not good enough for me.”
What is the dark side of being so confident?
- Taking on too many projects because you think you are the only one who can do the work the right way.
- Not seeing other possibilities while busily persisting down one path. Years later, you wonder why you made the choices you did when you were younger.
- Steamrolling a project because you think you are right. Your passion overwhelms the conversation so no one stands up to you, showing you what you are missing.
- Your chronic need to rise above others keeps you from creating strong relationships with colleagues.
How Can You Quiet Your Confidence Without Losing Your Edge?
The answer isn’t to be less confident. The answer to over-confidence is cultivating mindfulness, curiosity and courage. This will allow you stay confident while making better personal decisions.
It takes courage, persistence, and curiosity about the present moment to let go of what you think will be the rewards of your self-reliance. You have to let go of “already knowing the answer” or you will miss the well-intentioned help your boss is trying to give you, you will overlook an opportunity to align with a colleague and you will not see creative solutions and unexpected opportunities that show up as you bulldoze down your chosen path.
You need to consciously choose to learn when you think you already know the answers. Because rationalizing your behavior is a survival instinct, the incidence of digging in and justifying your opinion kicks in instantly, much faster than the process for analyzing what is logical and possible. In order to override your lightning-fast rationalizations, you have to deliberately commit to accepting that there is more than one right way to achieve a goal and there is more than one right answer to a question.
One way to adjust your thinking is to practice taking a breath before talking. This pausing technique gives you a moment to better assess the situation. When you breathe before you speak, you free your mind to see that you can respond in more than one way.
If you have presence of mind, you are better able to determine the right path to take from a larger perspective. You are a smart woman. Call on your higher intelligence when assessing yourself and the situation you are facing.
The Keyword to Happiness
Now that you are able to catch yourself being right, bossy or elitist, you can put yourself back on course with a single word.
A keyword is a mental trigger you use to redirect your thoughts in the moment. Do you want to focus on being patient, persuasive, compassionate, innovative, or inspiring? Choose one of these words to be your keyword. Do you want to lighten up and have more fun? Choose a word that makes you smile. Is your purpose to make a difference in people’s lives? Then use the keyword, “care.”
Choose your keyword, write it down, put it in your car, tape it to your cell phone or laptop, or make it your screensaver. When your day starts to spin out of control, take a breath, center yourself in the moment and fill your head with only your keyword. The keyword unlocks your ability to feel more open and connected.
Being confident is good. You can accomplish most anything you put your mind to. Then if you find that your confidence is causing you to overwork or disconnect from others, practice mindfulness, listening and using your keywords to achieve your success with ease and grace.
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Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC – Executive Coach & Leadership Speaker (read posts) Marcia amuses, inspires and fascinates her audiences as she translates the latest discoveries of how the brain works to workable strategies for dealing with life's challenges. She has published two books, Outsmart Your Brain and Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction. Read her bio and follow her on LinkedIn, Google+ and Twitter.
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Good post, Marcia.
Yes, too much of anything is never good. Confidence is no dofferent. Knowing that you are good at something or that you are smart does not give a license to run over other people and their dreams. When we exude too much confidence, we havre usually succumbed to our ego rather than our wisdom.
“Care” is a good word. We must remember to have compassion for others and for ourselves. We must care about our families, those we work with and those we lead. We cannot be so focused on the doing and becoming, that we lose sight of the world in which we live and the “now.”
All things in moderation.
Martina
Martina
Great insights as always, Marcia. In my interviews with leaders, men and women, they all display a great ability to self reflect and adjust themselves to be more effective. It’s this mindfulness that allows us to keep growing personally at the same time we’re improving our efficacy. Love the keyword concept! I have them all over the place and tie them to my intentions. They work!
Insighful read! I found the “garden variety success” feedback you received quite humerous, and it reminded me of something I may say. I have heard of trying the keyword concept before for other various things but never to tone down ones confidence, it seems logical though and based on the above feedback seems to work well. I think it is great that young women today are growing up with more confidence in their abilities and hopefully this will directly correlate to more women climbing the company ladders in the future, but I couldn’t agree more, if you are too wrapped up in the moment or task at hand you will miss all the other opportunties happening around you and will be less able to “able to determine the right path to take from a larger perspective’.
Great comments! Martina, I agree with the need to remember to “care.” I had a coach once remind me that I needed to model the behavior I wanted from others. If I wanted them to care about and respect me, I had to be the first to demonstrate what I wanted.
Dana and Lacee, my research on how the brain works keeps proving to me how hard it is to be aware of ourselves in the moment, at least until we practice A LOT and it becomes more of a habit. Yet it is so critical for our success. Keywords have become an anchor for me, bringing me back into the moment where possibilities exist. It is a great tool to share with other women. Thank you for your insights!