We at InPower Women are so excited to publish the first article of our new blogger Christy Pruitt-Haynes. Please welcome her and give her your feedback in the comments. We’re honored to have her as part of our blogging team! ~InPower Women Staff
Dear Stay at home Moms,
I will admit, I was that woman. The I’m just as smart as a man so I want the same job he has and anything less means I failed, woman. I worked night and day to move up to the C-Suites because, anything less would be LESS, too much less. I used my mind everyday to prove that I could be successful; and successful meant high powered job. I never understood the concept of wanting to cook and clean and bake and all of those other domestic things if you had a college degree and you were mentally capable of MORE. I knew that some people had to do those things, but to me, the only reason that would be a major part of anyone’s day was if that was all their intelligence allowed them to do. I was a classic case of feminism gone wrong.
Then one day, my 3 year old found my calculator and started pressing random buttons. When I asked her what she was doing she said, “Using my blueberry (blackberry to many of us) to send you an email to ask if we can play”. In one moment I felt like the worst mother in the world. It no longer mattered that I was the head of HR for a major TV network, it mattered that my child thought the only way to get my attention was to email me.
That day I hatched a plan to redefine success and incorporate the things that will matter most 30 years from now. It was no longer about running a department it was about being present for my family. In my naive mind I thought, this will be a walk in the park. I managed departments, led restructures and effortlessly navigated corporate politics. Let me tell you, corporate politics have nothing on PTO or soccer field politics. Deciding who to invite to a meeting is never as hard as deciding who to invite to a child’s birthday party, and don’t get me started on deciding where to have the party. Managing soccer practice, band practice, bake sales, scouts, tutoring, homework, housework, bills, voice lessons, laundry and cooking takes a level of coordination, flexibility and planning I never used at work.
I was now one of the women that I had previously thought less of and I was failing miserably. Is it possible that all of those women sitting in the park while their young children played were smarter than me? Were they actually reading how to make your child the best version of themselves instead of Cosmo magazine all day? Was their day actually mentally challenging, requiring a level of savvy that I didn’t possess? Did they really work all day? And most of all…were they not lazy women who aspired to be taken care of instead of taking care of themselves???
And why hadn’t anyone told me many of these women were still running very successful businesses? They were truly mom-preneurs. They created employment for themselves so they could still get the satisfaction of work outside of the home and make money (which meant they hadn’t checked their brains at the door) all while taking care of their families. They consulted, sold various products, ran meetings, ran their home…talk about doing it all! They used sophisticated marketing skills to create successful school fund raisers. They used negotiation skills to get kids to eat vegetables, contractors to reduce the price of home repairs, husbands to volunteer to build the set for the school play. They used finance to be the band booster treasurer or manage the girl scout troop’s funds. They were smart, intelligent, capable women who decided to use all of their skills to make their families stronger and make themselves happy in the process.
So here is the hard part… I AM SORRY for every negative thing I ever said, thought or assumed about women who chose to define their success through a wider lens than one that only includes their professional life. I am sorry for assuming your life was easy and your work wasn’t mentally challenging and completely necessary. Most of all I’m sorry for not realizing that you were using the same skills every efficient and effective C-Level professional uses everyday and you were doing it without contractual pay!
Beyond being sorry, I applaud each and every one of you for defining your life and using your knowledge, skills and abilities in ways that the old me didn’t understand and the new me is continuing to develop.
Love, admiration and now one of you,
An eternally sorry realist
PS – To all of you employers, if you are ever fortunate enough to hire someone who use to be a stay at home mom…DO IT!!! Having worked in recruiting for many years, I recognize, talent, ability, culturally savvy, muilti-taskers and WE have cornered the market on those skills.
Photo Credit: Free Digital Photos
Human Resources Professional. With 20 years of experience in all areas of organizational effectiveness work, Christy specializes in creating efficient and effective organizations, teams and individuals. She is recognized for her keen understanding of corporate culture and ability to communicate to a wide audience. She’s presented on a variety of topics including business diversity, communication for results and defining and achieving organizational excellence. Follow Christy on Twitter @ChristysIdeas, Linkedin or read her full bio.
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Thanks for this blog post! I ABSOLUTELY agree. This essay has helped me shape some of the language I’ll use in the future as I re-enter the public workforce. My years in “private industry” truly have been a public service and my compensation comes in many forms, but there is a real challenge in communicating my work and salary history in a way that employers can appropriately gauge both qualitatively and QUANTITATIVELY. This is a great help. I look forward to reading more from you, Christy!!!!
Michelle, you are very welcome! It’s amazing how my perspective changed when I had the opportunity to see and do new things. I can truly say I had no idea and sadly a lot of employers are in that same boat.
Great read! And as a mom-preneur (with 3 kids currently running around like mad men while I try to multi-task placing orders, the kids’ extracurricular activities AND figuring out what we’re having for dinner tonight…and don’t even get me started on how much harder this is when my husband is deployed), I accept your apology
Thank you for accepting my apology!!! I truly had no idea what multi-tasking was until I started working at home…and don’t get me started on dinner, that is the one area I have yet to conquer!
Great read!
SAHM’s are seriously underrated. Good for you for recognizing and acting on that wake up call. Those kids sure know how to get a point across, don’t they…sheesh! LOL
Even at a young age kids know how to get your attention. Thank you for your comment!
This blog was EVERYTHING! I feel like you summed up my life in 800 words. I need to print this off and make copies so I can pass it out every time someone tells me how easy I have it being a stay at home mom of 2 ( 3 and 4 yr olds) while running my business successfully.
I too worked in Corporate America before branching out on my own and though I worked very hard in that sector – It doesn’t come close to the triple shifts that I work now making a home and raising my children. There is no vacation or sick pay or health benefits.
However, I would not change it for the world. The internal peace that comes from being there when my daughter gets home from Pre-K, being able to attend every rehearsal, practice or recital, not missing any of the milestones in their lives … is greater than any thing I accomplished in corporate america.
So me and my two undergrad degrees and master’s degree will continue to thrive in the absolute best job I’ve ever had. The truth of the matter is, my “benefits” changed but the ones I have now never stop giving!
Excellent, excellent post – I can’t wait to read the next one!
Thank you! I completely agree…this is truly the hardest work you’ll ever LOVE. it’s a great thing to be able to use all of our knowledge, skills and abilities to benefit so many!
Oh, Christy. You took the words right out of my mouth. I particularly like that you added a section on WAHMs–women, like me, who must successfully manage employment, client lists, and deadlines and the full-time responsibilities of child care and housekeeping.
Whether you are a mom who works outside of the home, works from home, or manages your home without getting a paycheck at all, being a mother is the hardest job there is. We’ve set some crazy expectations of ourselves as women, and we’ve had some crazy expectations set for us–and yet, we rise to the challenge again and again.
Thank you for this blog post!
Thank you! I am astonished at both the expectations placed on us and the way we seem to meet them. Unfortunately, I think some of those expectations come from the uninformed who have no idea what all we really do all day.
Christy,
This is a terrific article! I am an at-the-office working mom, and you are so correct. My son will be two in a couple weeks and he has been in nursery school since he was three months old. I so admire any woman who makes the choice to stay at home with her child/children, because it is exhausting work, and it doesn’t end at 5pm, or even when they go to bed. It is so rewarding, though, to see him develop and I often think about how I could spend more time with him, and what I would do with that time. I marvel at the WAHMs, as I cannot imagine how they find the time to run a successful business while being at home with kid(s)! I have been stressed-out for weeks about planning a birthday party for my soon-to-be two year old. Maybe you could address this in your next post? Thanks again for the sanity check!
Sue,
Thank you for the feedback and I love the idea for my next post. I remember the stress and sincere desire for more hours in the day when I was an in the office working mom. I can honestly say on both sides, it’s a definite example of the grass is always greener on the other side.
I’ll start that post very soon but in the meantime, don’t be afraid to “outsource” whatever you can. My daughter went to the same daycare as a co-worker so if one of us got caught in a meeting the other could pick out kid up. I feel in love with prepared dinner services where I could pay one fee and pick up entrees. For a family of 4 they had an average cost of $3.25 per person per meal and for me that was money well spent.
My 2nd blog just went live and it is dedicated to (and inspired by) you and other women in your situation. Please check it out and let me know what you think.
http://www.inpowerwomen.com/5-tips-for-work-life-balance/
Love the article! I wanted to click like on every comment too! It’s always nice when someone else sees your point of view, when it’s another woman (especially one who formerly looked down on you) it’s heaven!
Thank you. i’m hoping the rest of the world doesn’t wait as long as I did to “see the light” .
Try being a single mom and doing everything yourself, always. No vacation. No days off. EVER. Plus the grocery shopping, the clothes and school shopping, the midnight run for tylenol, the taking the car for a new tire or oil change or it-is-making-a-weird-noise, cooking all the meals, doing all the cleaning until the kids are old enough to help, checking all the homework, making all the lunches, packing all the backpacks, plus working 40 hours or more per week.
Then add that one child is disabled and in a wheelchair and must be diapered and fed – and has been for 15 years.
I COMPLETELY understand. I was a single mom for 6 years while working 40 + hours a week and I can’t begin to image how much harder it would have been if I had a child with a physical disability. I hope you have a wonderful support system. I am eternally grateful for my mom and sister (which you’ll read more about in my next post).
I am on the exact same page but from a different experience..my whole job is to link build /guest post etc so that means I come across millions of blogs. I can honestly say the mummy blogs have made me a better person and a much better feminist. I had no idea of my prejudices until I started this job and like yourself I had an epiphany of ” wow these ladies really work hard and they appear to do more in a day then I do in a week when I get free time…how about that!” Great post. I will certainly take this into consideration as I progress through my career. Love this post thank you and yes…stay at home mums/moms…I am very, very sorry I have learnt my lesson and I appreciate and respect you all Xx
Thank you for your comments. This is truly an example of “You don’t know until you know”. At least you were smart enough to learn from the experiences of others!
I love this post. I appreciate your honesty. I am a SAHM (part-time WAHM) and even still I will admit to harboring some of these stereotypes about SAHMs. There are some days when I think my negotiation and psychology skills rival the best experts in the field when dealing with young children.
Thank you. I am convinced I could negotiate a peace treaty between warring countries after some of the “battles” I’ve had with my girls.
I had no idea how hard it would be when I decided to stay home too! I left a pretty decent career to stay home and it was a tough decision to make. I thought that I was a multi-tasker in the corporate world but I could run circles around the old me now! I’m also fitter and healthier from running after my kids all day, pushing the double stroller to the park, etc. The social part was my only regret so I joined a MOMS Club to ensure that my children as well as myself interact with other people on a regular basis. Some days I wonder why I traded in the “easy life” at a desk job for puking, screaming and running around wild while trying to do laundry and cook dinner. However, 95% of the time I know that home is where I was meant to be.
I completely agree!!! The me today is so much more organized, capable and ready for anything than the me I was while running a department at a large company. I just moved to a new city so I’m still adjusting to the social part. I forgot that when you move you typically make your first friends at work. Thank goodness for playgroups, volunteering at the girls’ new school and facebook!
Thank you so much for this essay! You have no idea how much voice you’ve given to countless homemakers. More than the challenges of being a SAHM, one thing that I have always struggled with is the label itself. I guess I still need to fully come to terms with my role now instead of still having a part of me hold on to my previous status/es. I have a Master’s degree in Sociology and used to be an Asst. Professor. But after migrating and then becoming a mother, I chose to redefine myself and become a SAHM. I don’t regret it but the question of what to do next always looms. Articles such as this one truly help though, so for your clarity and your effort at having the world recognize what we do, I am truly grateful.
You are so welcome. For the first few months I still told people I was an HR Director. I couldn’t form the words that I was a stay at home mom. I said I was a consultant long before I consulted on anything because that sounded so much better to me. The most powerful word in your response is CHOOSE. When you have those moments that we all have remind yourself that you are still in control and you power, your biggest power is the power of choice!
Thank you, Christy. Still, I cannot understand why you seem to see only two alternatives: staying at home or working 24 h a day. Personally, I could not think of my life without my work, but also not without my children. I enjoy a lot playing with them, supporting their teachers for additional tasks and organizing birthdays, but I am quite happy not to have to take care of the laundry, etc. The person who does it for us is not less intelligent than I am, she just LIKES keeping the house in perfect order, whereas I HATE it. Thus, paying her for doing it instead of me is a win-win situation. Plus, taking care of one’s house is difficult, but not enough intellectually stimulating, at least for me. By contrast, taking care of the PEOPLE in my family is both rewarding and intellectually stimulating and I enjoy it.
Long story short: I would not consider being at home as the only alternative to working like crazy. And I would focus on the more important things (to me, this means: quality time with other human beings; but I am sure that to others this might mean, e.g., time to bake for one’s dear ones, etc.).
You’re right there are as many options as there are women working. From working full time and managing the hours well to working part time to job sharing to commuting (working full time but doing all or part of it from home). For me because of my personality and the job I had there were only 2 choices. I was a department head and my job required travel about 40% of the time. IN order to be successful at that job you had to work upwards of 55 hours per week and I had employees on both coasts so while I was in the Central time zone I was “on” from 8 am Eastern to 6 pm Western. For many jobs a more normal work week is the norm and that makes managing both much more possible.
This is the PERFECT transition to my next blog about in office working mothers and how to be successful at it. In short, women have the opportunity to choose their path to happiness and fulfillment. My story is one way but by no means the only way.
And the one thing I forgot to mention. The intellectually stimulating part for me comes in with all of the projects at schools and other organizations many of us manage. I am organizing a fund raiser that will involve 200 volunteers, 3 days of activities and raise 15% of a organizations annual budget. The only difference in what I do now and what I did before is that now it’s for my daughter’s school band as opposed to XYZ corporation.
Thank you, Christy, for replying to each and every comment. I see your point re. the 55 hours and I wonder whether the kind of alternative you put would be more common in the US (or in some States within the US) than in less work-alcoholic (I do not mean to sound offensive and I am saying it with envy) places of the world.
I love reading and responding to all of the comments. I learn so much from each of them.
You bring up an excellent point about geographical differences. I have wondered how much that plays into things. I have several friends in Canada and they say that there are some regional differences between different parts of that country. Toronto is a little more of a work-aholic kind of place as opposed to some of the smaller provinces. They do however get 1 year off when they have a baby (that can be taken all by 1 parent or split between the 2) so many of them feel good about going back to work after the baby is a little older.
I would love to look at and study trends around the world and learn how women in different cultures handle this. If I ever get brave enough to go for my PhD I’ll have to consider that as a research topic.
I am actually going back to school for my doctorate because I can’t handle the stressors of being a stay at home mom.
Just sayin’
I 100% understand! Good luck in school! I’ve learned when Mama is happy the kiddos tend to be happy so you have to define happiness on your own terms.
As a future SAHM (3 months and counting!), I realize I’ve never been more afraid of anything in my life. I’ve served in the military, worked in the cut-throat corporate world, and started my own business. And now I’ve decided to give being a mother of my first child a try.
Thanks for this article – it gives great value to becoming something that society likes to tell us we don’t “need” to be.
You can do it! It will be work but most days you’ll love it and the good thing is even on your worst day your kid can give you an unprompted hug or smile or kiss or painting of what they tell you is a picture of you and you’ll forget all of the difficulties. Just set your priorities and remember very few things are life and death decisions!
You kick ass. Thank you for writing this. I’m married to a real life Rocket Scientist who works for NASA, and our peers and their wives are all professionals in this field as well. Company picnics are often uncomfortable for me because the wives never understand why I stay home. They buddy up together without me, discussing daycares and promotions, and it’s very isolating. I can run races around these women intellectually, something that does not go unnoticed by their husbands, but I often feel as though they see me as “weak”, or as someone with low self esteem and few aspirations. Things that could not be further from the truth.
So, thank you. Thank you for saying these things.
You are so very welcome! I know (now I do anyway) exactly what you mean. I give my husband a lot of credit because he is great at talking me and my abilities up to the women he work with when we’re all together but even then I can tell there is a definite disconnect.
I realized once I became comfortable with my choice (really comfortable not just saying I was comfortable but still leaning heavily on my previous role) women like the old me didn’t bother me nearly as much.
It’s still so, so fresh for me, in regards to being 100% comfortable in my role. Becoming a mother was actually not in my plans until I was in my mid to late 30′s, but I became SURPRISE! pregnant at 22. I’m 27 now and still recovering. LOL I absolutely love this life I’ve chosen and I know why I’ve chosen it, but I have moments of feeling guilty for not bring any financial support into our home. I still have a bit of a mentality of “my own money” and I walk this fine line between believing staying home is best for my daughter, and believing it’d be better for her if we were more financially stable. I think there are probably many SAHMs like me, struggling with the same identity problems.
I hope you don’t mind if I join the discussion. I am somehow on the other side, since I work in a fascinating field, the same one where also my husband and several of our friends work. When we see our friends, what happens is often the way you describe it. BUT I must say that whenever I see other mothers in different contexts, I am the one who feels lonely, since anyone else is discussing recipees or shoes. OR, I am feeling guilty because they discuss about how important it is to prepare hand-made this or that etc. Thus, I have your opposite problem and struggle to relate with women who seem either to discuss completely non-interesting topics (I am an underbuyer and hate shopping) or to want to show me how much better they are.
The one thing which works for me (and might work for you as well) is to speak about children, acknowledging my weaknesses and being ready to listen (I would for instance often start a conversation with something like “My daughter has sensory issues, and every morning having her put her shoes on is a drama. Anyone has had the same experience? How do you deal with it?”).
Speaking about our children is always a fascinating topic (unlike discussing about recipees if you do not particularly enjoy cooking and unlike discussing about new grants if you are not going to benefit from them, I guess). At a later time, one gets closer and can start to discuss of more personal topics, such as your “ambitions” (by the way, I see your point and as a working mother I would be very much interested in listening/reading about yours).
Hope this helps, at least a little bit.
Oh yes, I FULLY understand the isolation that occurs on the other side of things in a group of predominately SAHMs. What’s funny is I experience similar isolation because I TOO am an Underbuyer, I can’t remember recipes for the life of me (I just make what I like), and I’m just not organized enough to be as crafty as many women that fill the playgroups in my area. (Tried a few once…it didn’t go well. I am since reformed of the playgroup mentality and couldn’t be happier.) I understand what you’re saying about turning the attention off of us and back onto our children (where it should be anyways). Inevitably there will be those that turn these conversation openers into a competition of whose kid is better, but you can’t win ‘em all.
My ultimate life ambition is to be a published Childrens book author (aside from being the kind of Mom/wife my children/husband are proud of). I was “groomed” in a sense for life as a writer and I’ll never let that go. Both my parents freelanced during my childhood, my father has been working on his novel for 20 years, my mother is a songwriter and freelances, and my step-father is an editor for the largest Agriculture magazine in the US. You could say writing is in my blood. And my dream is to write and share stories for children.
And yes, it does help. <3
I love love love that you are are sharing stories and starting conversations and best practices among yourselves. I don’t claim to have all the answers (just a bunch of questions) so if this can facilitate a forum for discussion and understanding I am a very happy camper!
Yes, you are right, there will always be some who start explaining how amazing their children are. I tend to think that this can be somehow avoided if one starts acknowledging one’s weaknesses (e.g.: How do you deal with situations like…, which just drive me crazy?), but I am sure that some will still get the chance to show how proud they are of themselves and of their children.
Great idea, that of writing children books! You can even say that you are gathering the background experiences required for that
There are a few corporations that recognise that twenty years as a full time homemaker is seriously good training for most business jobs
There are…and they are some of the most successful ones!
I think many people are missing a critical issue. Snubbing or excluding other women because
they work or don’t work is building one’s ego at their expense. From
my perspective using others in this way suggests the ‘user’ suffers
from low self esteem and a feeble sense of personal identity.
When a woman’s identity as an independent person is firmly developed she
is capable of accepting of the choices others have made. As an outside observer
one has no way to fully comprehend all the variables that influence people’s
behavior. Respect means we care enough to let others share the
factors/values that influence these choices. Personally, I consider
unconsciousness to be a far greater problem than someone staying home to raise children.